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Orgy Phone

Let me tell you a little story about technology.

At one point I was involved in a more adult-themed comedy show and had some friends introducing me to some hipper, sexier aspects of living in New York. One of these was a group of people who ran regular sex parties. So me and my showmate K and I decided to go. I’d never been to an orgy before, or a sexy party for that matter, unless you think Japanese anime is sexy, which I do, and then you go to an anime-themed sailor moon costume party on a date. Which I have!

So K and I went to a little hidden loft, paid a HUGE cover (if you were a guy) and went in for some fun. She went because she was between boyfriends, and prowling; She went with me at my suggestion because I thought it would like classier if I went with an actual female, thereby proving that either women can stand my presence, or that if I was a rapist and murderer at least I was a lazy one. We were also met by a friend of hers, a very promiscuous lady who I had the hots for and was hoping would be able to hook up with by riding the sexy theme of the evening past her defenses, like a hobo riding under a sexy train into a sexy military base.

Once we arrived at the party, they made us leave our bags with the check girl. I also had to leave my bag from work, which had my laptop. We were also lectured about conduct, the no cell phones with cameras rule, safe sex, etc.

Now scant minutes after entering K and her friend took off to mingle. So I wandered around and started to investigate the fun rooms where the futons were all laid out. K’s friend immediately found two hot guys who immediately got her juiced and bothered on the dance floor and escorted her to a dark corner. K disappeared. There were now no single women to be seen. Finally, I saw a couple that consisted of a hot tall Singaporean girl who looked bored and a nebbish type. Now what was going on with them was he was basically looking around for someone to sleep with his girl. He kept suggesting various guys, and she’d shrug or look bored. And it became obvious that he wasn’t looking for someone good-looking – in fact, he was her master and was looking for someone sort of less than desirable in order to, I dunno, punish her? Degrade her? In any case, it’s said that if wishes were horses than beggars would ride…but if the wish was a hot girl who needed to ride a horse then in the case I could swallow my pride and be that horse.

Eventually he saw me, checked me out, decided that I was undesirable enough – more fool him because that was my plan all along – and told her to go get me. She came over, asked if I wanted to play, I sexily said “uh huh! –  I mean, might as well” and we were off to the futons!

We found a clear space in between two bisexual black guys banging a hot blond and what looked like 2 rollergirls on a night off punching each other and proceeded to start to try and fool around. Now I don’t want you to think, in case you did, that I’m a devotee of orgy public hookups, heavens no! I thought this was going to be hot, dirty, and sensual, like a delicious cheese steak. And I was right, it was like a cheese steak, only the New York kind and not the South Philly kind – awkward, slippery, and sad. The girl was on top just sort of grinding around with an expression I see women at the gym use when on the treadmill – I need to keep moving, I’m bored, say…who is THAT hot guy over there!? Except I never thought I would see that expression on the face of a girl grinding on my lap. She then looked around and didn’t see her master, said “Excuse me” to me, and joined in the group with the hot black guys. I looked at the big pile with her in it, and figured, ah, I’m not gay, but I ain't about to throw away sixty-five bucks. I made eyes at the pile, but one of the bi men sneered and said “I didn’t realize we were in the bear section of the zoo”, referencing my size and hairiness.

So now I figured I’d leave – I’d been rejected at an orgy by gay guys and a submissive, that’s pretty much the definition of ‘rock bottom’. I went and got my coat. But holy shit – my phone! I had lost my phone. And this was a very expensive bleeding edge phone at the time. I couldn’t just abandon my phone. And it was on vibrate! I’d never find it in a dark pile of bodies.

Except…I’m a genius. I quickly ran into the bathroom. I fired up my laptop and found an open wifi network. I quickly got on the internet and activated the remote control software that I had installed on the phone. I quickly installed a web server on the phone. Turned the phone camera on, started having it take pictures and post them on the web server. And then watched the web feed. Eureka! My phone was currently lying next to a dude wearing a cowboy hat fucking a lady wearing a pink 3 piece PVC business suit! I turned the phone from vibrate to audio, set the ringtone to Manfred Mann Band’s remake of  “blinded by the light”– a long enough song so if I had to search for more than a few minutes I’d find it – and called the phone via Skype. I re-checked all my gear, ran BACK into the orgy room, looked for the couple, and listened for the song…mime looking…and voila! My phone.

And that was a moment where I realized: I had been coming down on myself a lot for being a nerd recently, and here I was using my crafty nerd skills to find my phone. And I realized that maybe it’s not so bad for me being a nerd.

As I picked it up, the gay-Singaporean pile looked at me and one guy said “damn bear… how’d you find your phone in all this fucking? Checkout the nerd at the orgy!”

And I replied:

“I’m not just a nerd at this orgy..I’m the biggest nerd at this orgy.”