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Dear Nicolas Cage: Don’t Push It

Mr. Cage, I adore you. I adore your overacting at times, your subtle acting at less times, your dreamy eyes and constantly changing hair styles. But Don’t Push It.

I just saw Season Of The Witch, and it’s just been voted by me as the film of yours I like the least. It’s making me consider…the Pass.

I’m not sure you knew this, but I gave you the Pass: a lifetime pass for Raising Arizona. I love that film to pieces. I loved you in it, too. Valley girl was a weak start but everybody did one of those, and Arizona made my smile and cock my head and say, OK, Mr. Cage, you get a Pass.

Now most of the films since then people debate about you, but I dunno, I still like you and the Pass still holds. But SOTW is such an awful film I can’t even begin to figure out why you did it, other than it helped with your current tax situation. Some specifics:

1.       Why does everybody in this European crusades-period film speak in American accents?

2.       The script reads like a D&D game I went on when I was thirteen, when I was gaming with Ray, an 18 year old guy I met in a game store I’m pretty sure was trying to sleep with me. He dungeon mastered a game he wrote just like this. So bad.

3.       Wait, this is a pro-Catholic film? How did I end up paying for that?

4.       Why did you specifically show me not less than a dozen times you picking up someone’s helmet and bashing them with it? It’s a neat move, sure…once.

Things were looking bad for a while and then you get some credit for Bad Lieutenant. Please, Mr. Cage, don’t do more films like this. I want to put you in a film of mine someday and the Pass needs to be in effect for that to happen.