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My New Diet


As a large guy, dieting is a constant struggle for me. I recently had a revelation that seems to be working well for me. Last night I had a conversation with my friend Pookie about it. I explained that I started a new diet, and she asked how it was going, and I explained my revelation:

Weight loss is a very abstract long term goal that I can't wrap my head around. The idea of losing weight so I can regain my former slim body doesn't work for me.Unknown Object Simply put, I have no memories being slim because I’ve never been slim. You know the things everyone says, that “I want to look and feel like I did in High School” or some such? I was always a heavy kid. I was a fat baby. I have no concept of what being fit is like. So when it comes time to not eat, which is a very short-term, visceral pleasure, it wins against a long-term abstract need to lose weight. It's not real enough.

So, I related, I had a plan to make the experience of being overweight, and needing to eat right, less abstract. Any morning where I wake up and I weigh more or the same as the day before, I don't get to masturbate.

Pookie was a bit surprised and asked how that would help at all. Well obviously I limit my calories for the day, too. But I can tell you: If I haven't jerked off in the morning, by about four hours later I'm starting to get cranky. By the end of the day I turn into a raging maniac. It's a very real and compelling form of reward that isn't abstract at all. It feels like my groin is pumped full of hot, angry demons.

Pookie got hung up that I can’t go a single day without masturbating. I mean, I can, but it’s not preferred, I guess is the best way of putting it. I just get sort of wound up and super-aware of stuff down there if I don’t. The exchange ended with her asking how much weight I’d lost so far: Five pounds.

Pookie: You should publish.